Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i think my cat just said my name.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
