fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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