if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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