Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you didnt know i had herpes?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
