Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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