that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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