remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
