i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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