My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
