OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He better not be in your backpack
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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