Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
