I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
