ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
