break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
