My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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