Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
