I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
