woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
