Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
