Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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