Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
