Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Randomize