Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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