You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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