shes about as inviting as chlamydia
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
