I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
