is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
