After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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