Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
