my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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