She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
