I wish my penis had an off switch
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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