I wanna bring you to show and tell
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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