If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
is wine microwaveable?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
