Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
