I need help removing her.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
