Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
