dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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