Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
