I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
