there's paper in my vomit.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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