Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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