my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize