why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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