everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize