So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
