see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
