Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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