i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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