she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
