i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she peed on how many people?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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