I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
