Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
