I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
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