So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
