New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Pants are for mortals
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
