My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
