if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
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