My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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