the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Randomize