I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I am midnight drunk by noon
I love having hate sex.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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