apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
