The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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